I'm not happy with my life. It's been dawning on me for sometime now.
Not miserable or depressed like I was early last year when I was stressing at Kangaroo Land due to inhumane workload and was on the line of actually developing a disorder, no. But I'm not happy. That's not something I easily acknowledge, because most of the time, I consider myself well-adjusted and I like it that way.
The good thing is, I know why - my life is an utter mess. Not the tip of the iceberg you see to use the cliched analogy, but the effing mountain stretching on for miles beneath the surface.
The bad thing is, this mess has taken twenty years in the making - my small, everyday life choices for the duration of my existence have led me to this point.
And the ugly thing is, it's going to take a heck of a long time to actually sort this mess out and see results and earn back happiness - and I'm not confident whether I have the will power to see the necessary changes through. Because I've always given up halfway through all my major get-life-together endeavours before. I attribute that to a horrid mixture of laziness and over indulgence.
But I'll be 25 this year, I'm at what should be my peak, and I (think I) am ready to enter certain phases of adulthood I've shied away from before, so ... I can't stress how important it is to assemble my life together into a puzzle that makes some semblance of sense.
So, a summary of daily life choice goals starting now in no particular order:
Crashing at ungodly hours ever since my late teens has affected my health, weight and even my emotional stability. Trust me, it plays a huge part.
So, target now is to go to bed latest by 11 and wake up at dawn. (I already do for prayers, but I mean not going back to sleep after and being an actual early bird. It's actually one of my dreams.)
I need to do more for my mother. I've always been aware that I don't do enough, but since my mother isn't the sort to push, I end up giving into lazy feels. And that's horrible of me.
New goals include being that bright early bird to help Mum cook in the morning before we both go to work. Add on more cleaning chores, especially on weekends. I'd add laundry to the list, but ever since Dad retired, he's been happily doing it before I come home from work, and he insists he wants to do it. So ...
My soulmate and worst enemy in one. It's become literally mandatory for me to make healthier choices. This is where overindulgence comes in. The more I indulge my cravings, the more cravings I get. Terrible vicious cycle.
Obvious goals here. I already eat fruits and vegetables, but need to up the latter. I've cut down carbs a bit, but need to slash more when it comes to rice - a huge weakness of mine. Proteins are OK, but I realise lately I've been binge eating fatty stuff more than I used to in my teens. So, gotta cut out sausages, pastries, ice creams and cake a lot. Turn to healthier nuts and dark chocolate (and that, too, in rations).
I'm satisfied with oatmeal in the morning. Two huge mugs (basically four cups) of green tea at work everyday. Lunch I gotta stabilise according to above. Dinner I gotta cut down a bit and have before seven. I eat a lot of fruit at night, thanks to Mum. Maybe a handful of nuts if I'm hungry.
This has been going on-and-off for over a decade now. I gotta start, which is easy, and continue for the rest of my life, which is hard - because laziness is my biggest enemy here. The irrational dislike of feeling tired, too. My reasons for not exercising are ridiculous, but that's how it is.
So, plans - do it at home. Most of the gyms have become ridiculously expensive or their timings are inconvenient for my work or Japanese classes. But ten years of aerobics, body combat and personal gym training at Sheri and Heat means I know my shit. I have videos of Zumba Fitness and Les Mills Body Combat, and a treadmill. Alternate the three every day straight after work, with sides and abs afterwards. Only weekends off.
Sleep, food and exercise aside, I haven't cared enough for my body all my life. I have extremely sensitive skin, not to mention hair problems. As a teen, I constantly insisted I don't care about my looks and I'm not interested in a man who'd like me for my face or body. While that stands true, what I failed to realise then was it's not just about physical appearance. It's part of your health, too. And it's about cherishing and treasuring yourself, regardless whether others find your beautiful or not. I'm paying for that negligence now - and it's literally a high price.
I've already begun regular treatments for my hair and face, and made adjustments to my skincare and hair care routines at home. I'm trying to make the most natural and economical choices possible. Though a bit time consuming, the changes are necessary and, like exercise, I gotta keep at it constantly. That's gonna need a lot of effort.
It's not my dream job, but it's freaking close and I need to express greater satisfaction for it. It's writing! Not creative writing, but so darn close and not as stressful as my Kangaroo job. Plus, it offers free time during work hours, too, and I have a really cool, easygoing boss-colleague duo.
I know change of office location from a really great setting to a bit of a dismal attic - at a building where I don't the rest of the people - really took my mood and enthusiasm down. The first four months of work were brilliant in comparison. But, there are bright sides aside from the location, so I need to focus my energy and enthusiasm on that.
An easy goal - smile on my way to office. I haven't really been smiling much lately when I'm by myself or working, which I think is an effect of the mounting subtle unhappiness of my life. But there's no greater therapy than smiling, and it's also a good start to my day.
I've accepted that I won't be publishing a novel anytime soon. I need to slowly get into it - create characters, atmospheres, outlines. Above all, I need to figure out what kind of story I want to tell the world, because my writing style and interests vary over time. So I'll handle that slowly.
But currently, I'm stressing on a number of fanfics for different fandoms I'm juggling, which ultimately puts me off from writing any of them and thus leading to sporadic updates. I hate that. I'm busy working six days a week, but I want to establish a serious writing time, to keep at something I love doing and keep my talent and creative juices flowing.
So goals: write a little bit everyday. Even if only for ten minutes, as Eoin Colfer said. Even if I'm out of inspiration and everything I write that day is crap, just ... write a little bit everyday. Experiment. Sort out my fics so I have a schedule to dedicate to each of them. That way, even if slow, I can be assured that I'm making progress for all of them.
And poetry! Now that it's back, I want to hold on to it forever.
Even if only once a year, travel out of the Male region, including Villigili and Hulhumale. I can't afford going overseas every year, I wasn't born an okanemochi. But I've already saved up enough for my planned Japan trip (now waiting for all those on board to finish up), and I've finalised a plan to go to Fuvahmulah and Addu later this year, too - which will be a dream come true.
I want to keep at it. If possible, I want to go abroad, but at the least, I want to visit and explore the islands of Maldives away from the congested holed up capital. Once a year, at the least.
This is actually the most important one. I know with every fibre of my being that I need to do more. I already do all the obligatory ones, but I need to do more for a deeper and happier spiritual connection.
At the forefront of my plan is to up my supplications and recitations. I want to add on more Sunnah to this, too, but yes, increase my supplications and recitations. I know myself I need to dedicate more time to this. Now I want to go out there and actually do it.
I think there are more to be sorted in my life, but these are the ones off the top of my head. Just writing this blog alone has set back my sleep schedule to 11.45, but that's still earlier than my usual crashes. And I'm glad I got this off my chest and put it in some order, though it's messy.